Future Wars . . . and Other Punchlines Read online

  Table of Contents

  Copyrights of Stories

  DEDICATION

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE MARTIAN FRONT Introduction by Hank Davis

  THE ABOMINABLE EARTHMAN by Frederik Pohl

  HONORABLE OPPONENT by Clifford D. Simak

  SENTRY by Fredric Brown

  And Then There Was Peace by Gordon R. Dickson

  FOOL’S MATE by Robert Sheckley

  Airborne All The Way! by David Drake

  MR. JESTER by Fred Saberhagen

  CUSTER’S LAST JUMP by Steven Utley & Howard Waldrop

  PROJECT HUSH by William Tenn

  THE DAY THEY GOT BOSTON by Herbert Gold

  THE GENTLE EARTH by Christopher Anvil

  WHO GOES BOING? by Sarah A. Hoyt

  HISTORICAL NOTE by Murray Leinster

  INTO EACH LIFE, SOME PERIWINKLES MUST FALL by Hank Davis

  SUCCESS STORY by Earl Goodale

  The SPECTRE GENERAL by Theodore R. Cogswell

  Future Wars… and Other Punchlines

  edited by Hank Davis

  Trade paperback humorous military science fiction anthology. Featuring a mix of classic science fiction reprints and original stories by Baen regulars. Includes stories by David Drake, Frederik Pohl,Howard F. Waldrop, Christopher Anvil and more.

  CATCH-22 IN OUTER SPACE?

  War, as the general said, is hell, but it also has its humorous moments, though the humor may be grim, and you “had to be there” to get the joke. War is likely to continue into the future, and into space, no matter how many idealistic speeches are made and U.N. sponsored treaties get signed, and so will the wartime jokes, ranging from slapstick to gallows humor. And if “you had to be there” to get the point, some of the best writers in science fiction are on board to put you there . . .

  David Drake, the Dean of military science fiction, turns to fantasy and shows the result of having a combat balloon manned by halflings of dubious competence.

  Frederik Pohl tells of the invasion of Earth by aliens with impenetrable force shields, and how a goldbricking soldier with all the ethics of a career politician became an unlikely (and unwilling) hero.

  Herbert Gold considers the lighter (?) side of the strategy of M.A.D. (Mutual Assured Destruction).

  Theodore R. Cogswell, in a story which the Science Fiction Writers of America voted into their Science Fiction Hall of Fame, presents an isolated planet’s outpost, left behind after the collapse of galactic civilization, and the psychological subterfuge that kept morale from failing.

  Steven Utley and Howard F. Waldrop, in a Nebula Award and Locus Award-nominated work of alternate history, report on General George Armstrong Custer’s ill-fated mission when he and his dirigible-borne paratroopers were attacked by Chief Crazy Horse’s biplane squadron.

  Christopher Anvil shows that when aliens with overwhelming technological superiority invade Earth, their campaign can completely unravel because the local conditions are nothing like those back home. (A tornado is just moving air—how could that be dangerous?)

  And more!

  Future war may be future hell—but there’ll also be future hilarity.

  BAEN BOOKS EDITED

  BY HANK DAVIS

  The Human Edge by Gordon R. Dickson

  We the Underpeople by Cordwainer Smith

  When the People Fell by Cordwainer Smith

  The Technic Civilization Saga

  The Van Rijn Method by Poul Anderson

  David Falkayn: Star Trader by Poul Anderson

  Rise of the Terran Empire by Poul Anderson

  Young Flandry by Poul Anderson

  Captain Flandry: Defender of the Terran Empire by Poul Anderson

  Sir Dominic Flandry: The Last Knight of Terra by Poul Anderson

  Flandry’s Legacy by Poul Anderson

  The Best of the Bolos: Their Finest Hour by Keith Laumer

  A Cosmic Christmas

  A Cosmic Christmas 2 You

  In Space No One Can Hear You Scream

  The Baen Big Book of Monsters

  As Time Goes By

  Future Wars . . . and Other Punchlines

  Worst Contact (forthcoming)

  Things from Outer Space (forthcoming)

  FUTURE WARS . . . AND OTHER PUNCHLINES

  This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely coincidental.

  A Baen Book

  Baen Publishing Enterprises

  P.O. Box 1403

  Riverdale, NY 10471

  ISBN 13: 978-1-4767-8080-1

  Cover art by Alan Pollack

  First Baen printing, September 2015

  The quotation from Charles Fort: Prophet of the Unexplained by Damon Knight is reprinted by the kind permission of Richard Wilhelm for the author’s estate. And the book is highly recommended if you can find a copy.

  Distributed by Simon & Schuster

  1230 Avenue of the Americas

  New York, NY 10020

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Future wars and other punchlines / edited by Hank Davis.

  pages cm. -- (Baen ; 1)

  ISBN 978-1-4767-8080-1 (paperback)

  1. Science fiction, American. 2. Short stories, American. 3. Humorous stories, American. 4. War stories, American. I. Davis, Hank, 1944- editor.

  PS648.S3F86 2015

  813'.0876208--dc23

  2015025458

  Printed in the United States of America

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  eISBN: 978-1-62579-439-0

  Electronic Version by Baen Books

  www.baen.com

  Copyrights of Stories

  “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Martian Front” by Hank Davis © 2015 by Hank Davis. Published by permission of the author.

  “The Abominable Earthman” by Frederik Pohl originally appeared in Galaxy, October 1961. © 1961 by Galaxy Publishing Corporation. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “Honorable Opponent” by Clifford D. Simak original appeared in Galaxy August, 1956. © 1956 by Galaxy Publishing Corporation. Reprinted by permission of David Wixon for the author’s estate.

  “Sentry” by Fredric Brown originally appeared in Galaxy, February, 1954. © 1954 by Galaxy Publishing Corporation. Reprinted by permission of Barry Malzberg for the author’s estate.

  “And Then There Was Peace” by Gordon R. Dickson originally appeared in If: Worlds of Science Fiction, September 1962. © 1962 by Digest Productions Corporation. Reprinted by permission of David Wixon for the author’s estate.

  “Fool’s Mate” by Robert Sheckley originally appeared in Astounding Science-Fiction March, 1953. © 1953 by Street and Smith Publications, Inc. Reprinted by permission of the Donald Maass Literary Agency for the author’s estate.

  “Airborne All the Way” by David Drake is © 1995 by Wizards of the Coast, Inc. All rights reserved. Magic: The Gathering® and Wizards of the Coast® are trademarks of Wizards of the Coast, Inc. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “Mr. Jester” by Fred Saberhagen originally appeared in If: Worlds of Science Fiction, January 1966. © 1966 by Galaxy Publishing Corporation. Reprinted by permission of Spectrum Literary Agency for the author’s estate.

  “Custer’s Last Jump” by Steven Utley & Howard Waldrop originally appeared in Universe 6, © 1976 by Steven Utley and Howard Waldrop. Reprinted by permission of Howard Waldrop and Jessica Reisman for the estate of Steven Utley.

  “Project Hush,” copyright © 1954, 1982 by William Tenn, first appeared in Galaxy; reprinted by permission of
the author’s estate and the estate’s agents, the Virginia Kidd Agency, Inc.

  “The Day They Got Boston” by Herbert Gold originally appeared in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, September 1961. © 1961 by Mercury Press, Inc. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  “The Gentle Earth” by Christopher Anvil originally appeared in Astounding Science-Fiction, November 1957. © 1957 by Street and Smith Publications, Inc. Reprinted by permission of Joy Crosby for the author’s estate.

  “Who Goes Boing?” by Sarah A. Hoyt appears here for the first time. © 2015 by Sarah A. Hoyt. Published by permission of the author.

  “Historical Note,” copyright © 1951, 1979 by the Heirs of the Literary Estate of Will F. Jenkins; first appeared in Astounding, reprinted by permission of the author’s estate and the estate’s agents, the Virginia Kidd Agency, Inc.

  “Into Each Life Some Periwinkles Must Fall” by Hank Davis appears here for the first time. © 2015 by Hank Davis. Published by permission of the author.

  “Success Story” by Earl Goodale originally appeared in Galaxy, April, 1960, © 1960 by Galaxy Publishing Corporation. All attempts to locate the holder of rights to this story have been unsuccessful. If a holder will get in touch with Baen Books, payment will be made.

  “The Spectre General” by Theodore R. Cogswell originally appeared in Astounding Science-Fiction, June, 1952. © 1952 by Street and Smith Publications. Reprinted by permission of Cathleen Cogswell.

  DEDICATION

  This one is for David Drake, a grand master of military science fiction (can you say, “Hammer’s Slammers”?) and someone who really likes to laugh. And can probably be heard in the next county over when he does.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  My thanks to all the contributors (and raise a glass to absent friends), and to those who helped with advice, permissions, contact information, and other kindnesses, including Katie Shea Boutillier, Cathleen Cogswell, Joy Crosby, Vaughne Hansen, Elizabeth Hull, Cameron McClure, Barry Malzberg, Jessica Reisman, Joan Saberhagen, Bud Webster, Richard Wilhelm, David Wixon, Eleanor Wood, and probably several other kindly carbon-based life forms which my decrepit memory has unforgivably overlooked. And, of course, thanks to the late Jim Baen (see the introduction for further details).

  A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE MARTIAN FRONT

  Introduction

  by Hank Davis

  “War is hell,” as one general put it. “It is well that war is so terrible, otherwise we should grow too fond of it,” another general observed. All very true, but listen to war stories of veterans sometime, and most of them will be about the ridiculous, absurd, incredible things that happened to them. The funny things. (I’ve got a few of those myself, but I’ll spare you.)

  War, like other grim parts of life, is often funny, though it might be “you had to be there” funny. It’d be too easy to trot out the old cliché about laughing to keep from crying, even though that’s often the case, but a lot of things that go on in military life, including peacetime military life, are just plain hilarious. And often memorable.

  I’ve often heard about veterans saying of their time in uniform that they wouldn’t go through that again for a million dollars—but they wouldn’t take a million dollars for it, either. If it happened that somebody (or some thing) could offer this veteran a million dollars for it and take it away, even paying inflated 2015 dollars, I’d probably say, “Sold!” (Hmmm, there might be an SF or fantasy story idea there—an alien or supernatural entity buying up the war experiences of veterans. For nefarious purposes, of course. But I digress . . .)

  Humor in time of war has a long history. Jane Austen, in Pride and Prejudice, has bushels of humor, starting with the novel’s first line, and has also lots of soldiers—officers, of course—on the scene (“officers enough . . . to disappoint all the young ladies in the country”). If she mentioned that England is in danger of being invaded by Napoleon, I don’t recall it, but that is the larger situation. The only physical violence is a passing mention of a private being flogged. How politically incorrect of her to write of gala balls, romantic misunderstandings, and matrimony when there’s a war on, with people dying (think of the children!).

  Movies have been seeing the humorous side of war for a long time; for example, Buster Keaton’s silent movie The General, and, with the advent of sound, the Marx Brothers’ Duck Soup. Some people consider that demented side-splitter an “anti-war” movie, though I don’t recall anyone arguing that Horse Feathers is an anti-football movie, or A Night at the Opera is an anti-opera movie. Later on, Bob Hope was Caught in the Draft, Henry Fonda, on stage and on film, played Mr. Roberts (which, unlike the book, did not reveal how to easily make a new song of “Jingle Bells”). Stalag 17 was set in a German POW camp, but had comic episodes, and a teleplay called No Time for Sergeants became a hit on Broadway, then a movie, also making a star of Andy Griffith. A decade later, Paddy Chayefsky’s The Education of Emily made sport of D-Day, and Blake Edwards’ What Did You Do in the War, Daddy? went for pure farce. In between, Dr. Strangelove blew up the world for laughs. (Probably few remember now that many movie critics at the time were not amused.)

  Getting back to books, Joseph Heller’s Catch-22 not only has been selling and selling for over half a century, it plunked a catchphrase indelibly into the language. (Incidentally, when a part of the novel was published earlier in a paperback original anthology that I once saw, the title had a different number than “22,” though I don’t now remember what it was.) And M.A.S.H. went from novel to movie to TV show, running far longer than the Korean War it supposedly was about.

  As for science fiction, Harry Harrison wrote a Catch-22-like novel, titled “The Starsloggers” when a short version appeared in Galaxy, and later published in book form as Bill, the Galactic Hero. A bit later came Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five, or the Children’s Crusade (which I read while in Vietnam, incidentally), which undeniably is science fiction, no matter how much Mr. Vonnegut denied being an SF writer. And then there’s humorous military SF at shorter lengths . . .

  Which brings me to Jim Baen and Baen Books. Jim had been making waves for some time by publishing military science fiction by David Drake, Jerry Pournelle, and others, first at Ace Books, then at Tor Books, and finally at his own company, Baen Books (you did notice the name on the spine of this book, surely). In the years after the Vietnam war/conflict/fiasco/whatever, anything to do with war was infra dig to all right-thinking decent people. Congress rewarded veterans, most of whom had been drafted, by doing away with the G.I. Bill (and later a Carter administration spokesman lied on network TV, claiming that it was still around, but that’s a whole ’nother rant . . . and when present-day politicians claim that they “support the troops,” don’t believe ’em!). Anyone who suggested that war might continue into the future was obviously part of the problem and not part of the solution, and many book reviewers and book editors had an attack of the vapors like Victorian maidens at the thought of science fiction involving war and the military. They saw no distinction between militaristic SF, which glorifies war and bloodshed, and military SF which treats military themes seriously, examines the character of soldiers, both professionals and draftees, and realistically portrays combat. Only an idiot would think that David Drake’s stories glorify war. Alas, unlike more essential resources, we have never been in danger of idiots being in short supply. For example, in the late 1980s (before I was working for Baen), at a meeting of a New York SF club I heard one sometime editor talking about Baen Books making “money from murder.”

  Unfortunately for all the fainting maidens and posturing twits, military science fiction sold well, no matter how many sneering self-righteous remarks about “the pornography of violence” were made, and it became a strong subgenre of science fiction. If it was upsetting the ranks of the perpetually offended in the process, Jim Baen didn’t mind, since he enjoyed shaking people up.

  Which might have been why in the late 1990s, Jim asked me to make
up a list of military science fiction stories with gallows humor, sometimes called “black humor,” for a possible anthology. He might have been thinking of shaking up a different bunch of people, but he’s no longer with us and I can’t ask him. Whatever he intended, I could only think of a few military SF stories with gallows humor, though I could think of plenty of SF stories which involved the military and were humorous, so I compiled a list of those. At the time, Jim was preparing to move Baen Books from New York to North Carolina, and the anthology didn’t happen—until now.

  Humor, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder (and maybe also the ear of the behearer), so I won’t be surprised if some readers think some of the stories herein aren’t really funny, but you can’t please everybody. Some might even argue that some of the stories aren’t really military SF. In any case, and ignoring the one I wrote, I think all of the stories in this book are humorous, some gently and some laugh out loud uproarious. And yes, there’s some gallows humor, but I’ll leave the reader to decide which ones fit that description (see previous remark about the beholder). And many of the writers represented here wore a uniform at one time and knew whereof they wrote.